In-between
“You chose to hang from the cross, so that being raised up over the earth you might draw us to yourself and hang us also above earthy concerns.” (4).
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This image of hanging on the cross with Jesus touches me profoundly as it truly names my experience. Living our Cistercian life is like hanging on the cross in a kind of suspension between consolation and desolation.
There is this enormous tension in the experience of this in-between. Somehow you must respond with fidelity to our life with openness to the Spirit within. It is a real suffering, living in this tension because the consolation of the early monastic experience has quietly departed and the call to steadfastness in the midst of a feeling of dryness is overwhelming. This is hard to sustain without discouragement and a movement toward desolation.
The one blessing is the daily routine of community, prayer, and work that gives shape to our life of doing the Will of God. We have responded with a commitment that is strengthened and enlivened now by acts of faith, hope and love.
Seeking to discern the state of my spiritual journey, I am confronted with the finality of Solemn Profession. With all the joy that Profession brings there is a discordant note. This is it now. Stability has me here, obedience defines my existence, I have limited my options. But wait a minute – this is exactly what I wanted to do - God’s Will was so clearly inviting me to this life. Why this struggle, this hanging on the cross feeling when all I want to do is give myself to God alone, to live with the promptings that come from my true self. These promptings of the Spirit within have been so consoling, so joyful, so empowering.
But here I am living the vows. Living our life is like the Passion, a dying to self in every way. Yes, the poverty of our Cistercian life can be truly overwhelming, but it’s our way to seek God, to seek holiness.
Hanging on the cross is waiting, waiting for the Lord, like the deer yearning for running streams, we yearn for the Lord to come to save us. So why are you cast down my soul, hope in God, I will praise Him still, my savior and my God. (Ps 42)
Fr Joe Tedesco, Mepkin